[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Hi.
Hi, hi, hi. How are you?
Gee, I just love bowling.
The sound of the pins,
the feel of the ball,
the smell of...
dead farm animals.
Oh.
Ugh!
Peg, I'm going for a beer.
You want something?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'm sure a waitress will be along in a minute.
Oh, Peggy!
Oh, hi.
I didn't see you there.
Oh, Mimi... That is you under that bad dye job.
Oh, kids, kids,
come meet an old woman.
Peg, I'd like you to meet the twins,
Roscoe and Frank.
Gee, they don't look alike.
Same father? Or should I say, donor?
Peg, so life hasn't been too good to you, huh?
I don't work.
Well, I don't work, either.
I don't do anything.
Neither do I. I have a maid.
Not me.
My house is a sty, and I don't care.
Hiya, babe.
That's my husband, Chuck.
You poor thing.
Oh yeah? But he has a...
[WHISPERS]
It was so nice seeing you again, Peg.
Yes, and nice to see you too.
God, I hate her!
What an idiot.
Look at that stupid little hop.
Does she really think that she's going to get--
Strike!
Your turn, Peg.
Oh, no, Al. I can't. She's watching me.
The minute I get up there,
she's going to bet that I can't strike
like she did, and she'll be right.
It'll be just like high school all over again.
Peg, I'm looking at both of you.
Believe me, it won't be like high school.
I don't know.
I kiss you and I kiss you and you're still a frog.
Anyway, when we were in school, we would bet on everything.
We didn't have a lot of money then,
so we'd bet pride.
You know, we'd pick something humiliating,
and then the loser, me, would have to do it in public.
Ooh! Nice spare, honey!
Watch me and want me.
Stee-rike!
Yay!
Al got a strike.
My husband is better than your husband
more than you're better than me.
Oh yeah? Well, my kids are better than your kids
better than I'm better than you.
Yeah, well, you're aging badly.
Oh yeah? Well how about a little family bowl-off?
No.
What do you mean, no?
I can bowl that doofus off the face of the earth.
We can beat them.
Yeah, but Mimi's better than me.
Not since Bud's taking bowling lessons.
He says he's bowling 130.
Look at "eight eyes" over there.
They're pathetic.
Even though Kelly stinks like you,
what with me and Bud taking up the slack,
we can't lose.
Go ahead, bet.
Mimi!
Yes, Peggy?
Okay, it's a bet.
Saturday night, family bowl-off,
8:00 sharp.
Fine.
Okay, now for the bet.
Let's see...
Loser sniffs every bowling shoe
in the alley.
N-no.
Okay, all right. Okay...
Um, winner walks the loser through the mall on a leash?
No.
All right, okay, okay.
Uh, loser runs through the bowling alley naked.
No! No! No! No!
I know.
The loser, you,
will have to dress like a human trophy
and pose for pictures with everybody in the alley.
Okay, it's a bet.
Good.
Oh, Peggy, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Didi.
That's two I's, not four E's.
Gee, you have beautiful children.
Yeah, right.
But Didi can break 200.
Hey, now, wait a second. That's five.
We don't have five.
Oh, gee, Peggy...
Surely you must have some relatives somewhere
you can de-louse and trot out?
No bet!
Oh, fine, Peggy. I understand.
Kids, take a look at a born loser.
Kids, take a look at a bald woman.
Ooh! Ooh! Why, I ought to--
I never liked you!
Let go of my hair! I hate you!
Ugh! Do I hate her!
Well, at least you got that souvenir.
It's just not enough.
I really wanted that bowl-off.
I just know we could have won if we'd had five.
Why didn't we have another child?
Sorry.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, there goes my day.
What do you want?
Hey, we're friends.
Can't we drop over for no reason?
No.
Why are you here?
We set off a bug bomb.
We can't go back for another 10 minutes.
So, what's going on?
I'm a little down tonight.
I ran into an old friend that I hate more than life.
Did you ever go to school with someone
who does everything just a little bit better
than you do?
Barb Lehnhardt.
What?
My rival was Barb Lehnhardt.
It started in kindergarten.
I let Don Thudey kiss me on the cheek.
She showed him her underpants.
First day of gym, I was wearing a t-shirt.
She was wearing a bra.
I finally had a chance to beat her
at our high-school reunion.
I couldn't wait.
I had a great job, a terrific husband,
and I'd lost 10 pounds.
Then she went and died a tragic death,
and that's all anyone could talk about.
"Poor Barb."
They could care less that I was a success.
Her decapitation got all of the attention.
It was so Barb. God, I hate her.
Well, my Barb is Mimi Stoatz,
and I have finally got a shot at beating her at bowling,
and I'm not going to get the chance.
I'm one bowler short, and I needed a good one.
Done.
You know somebody?
I sleep with him.
Shh! Who?
Steve.
Oh. Steve?
Look at him.
His lithe, wiry body was made for bowling,
and he does a heck of a little mambo too.
Al, Steve can bowl!
You bowl?
Well, I don't like to brag. Marcy?
He's a wonderful bowler, Al.
What do you bowl?
Uh... Marcy?
About 165.
Uh, 170.
Steve, you're a godsend.
I need you to be my ringer.
Will you bowl for me Saturday night?
If I still can after you let go of me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
It's Saturday night at 8:00.
All you have to do is bowl great
and be a Bundy.
Yeah, right.
When I grow fur and marry Cheetah.
Not a chance!
Besides, no one would believe I'm a Bundy.
We'll Bundy you up.
I don't want to be Bundied up.
What if you do it and I can't come back?
Steve, please.
Do it for me...
And I'll do it for you.
Let's bowl!
We're going to do it, Peg!
We're going to beat the Stoatz family!
Hey, kids, come on over here!
It's time for the Bundy cheer!
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Come on over here.
Whoa, Bundy!
Great news, kids.
We are going to bowl against
the hated Stoatz family Saturday night.
Bowl?
Yes, and we're really looking forward
to your 130.
I love you, Bud.
Hey, I'm giving up a Saturday night here.
Doesn't anyone love me?
Kelly, you bowl a 60. What do you want?
Peg, let's go upstairs and call Mimi
and tell her the bet's on.
Oh... You better dial,
because I'm saving my hand for bowling.
You make me sick.
Bud's the smart one,
Bud's the good one,
Bud's the hero.
Yeah, yeah, I'm giving up a great date,
but who cares, because I stink.
So go ahead and gloat.
[SIGHS]
Well?
Kelly, the only reason I'm telling you this
is because you're so used to failure.
So maybe you can tell me
how to break this to Mom and Dad.
That money I took for bowling lessons...
I now have a lifetime pass to the Pussycat Theater.
And I can't bowl worth a damn.
Wait, you're not kidding me, are you?
No, Kel.
Oh, God! I love you!
You're not going to tell, are you?
Tell, and give up counting the beads of sweat
forming on your forehead
because you've ruined your mother's life?
Oh, no, Budrick.
I plan to be just as stunned as the rest of the family.
Bud, a liar?
[GASPS]
Okay, the bet's made.
Oh, and did I tell you?
The loser has to dress up as a human trophy.
Oh, the humiliation!
I'm finally going to beat her.
Thank you, Bud.
Yes! Thank you, Bud!
I'm the good one now.
[LAUGHING]
Bud, where's Mom and Dad?
They went to Bowl Town. Dad needed some stuff.
What am I going to do, Kel?
Stink and be punished.
Oh, God, this is great,
and it's only the first day.
Gee, the pressure must be terrible.
Oh, oh, could you do me a favor?
Right after your first gutter ball,
and I get that picture of Mom and Dad
and their looks of disappointment and horror,
could you kind of tilt your chin up
so that the light catches that tear
streaming down your face?
You're dirt, Kel.
Yes, but everybody knows it.
Howdy, teammate.
Bud's a 130 bowler, you know.
Uh, listen, Bud, are your folks in?
I want to ask them if I could be an adopted Bundy.
That would help explain
my hygiene, grammar, and full set of teeth.
Mr. Rhoades, could you do me a favor
and run over my hand with your car?
When will this punk stuff end?
A mangled hand
is not what you're going to want when you're 40, young man.
Mr. Rhoades, sit down.
Have you ever lied to your mother?
Of course not.
Well, I did tell her I was the bank president,
but I will be some day, so that's not really a lie,
is it?
What did you do? I told her I could bowl.
Well, of course you can bowl. You're a Bundy.
A failed Bundy.
She's counting on me, and I'm going to let her down.
Well, how about this?
I have to believe
that somewhere in your chromosomes,
there lies a bowler.
We got six days.
Let's you and I go to the lanes and practice. You pay.
You've got a deal.
And buy me an ice cream.
Don't push it, Mr. Rhoades.
All right.
A lot can be accomplished in a week.
Now, let's see your form.
Good, good.
Al, it's 7:15!
If we don't get there by 8:00, we forfeit!
Come on, honey!
AL: I'm ready!
What is that?
It's my pro-bowler automatic thumb warmer,
limited edition.
Let's get us some Stoatz meat.
Whoa, Bundy!
Okay, okay, so you've touched paws.
Can we bowl now?
My daughter's on her way. We'll wait for her.
Uh-uh. Not a chance.
She gets a zero for every frame she misses.
Wait a second. Who's this guy?
Cousin Steve.
I smell a ringer.
This guy's no Bundy.
[BELCHES]
Oops! My mistake. He's a Bundy.
So, are we ready?
Let's bowl.
[CHEERING]
Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!
That's my boy! Yeah!
Come on, kill those pins.
Whoo! Yes!
Stee-rike!
Yeah! Hoo-hoo!
Well, it's about time.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I really wanted to be here to see your face
when Bud bowled his...
49?
By the fourth frame?
Bowling lessons pay off, Kel.
Thank God for Bud.
Bud's the good one.
I'm cursed.
Where were you, anyway?
He was the most gorgeous boy in school,
it's Saturday, I'm young,
and this is bowling.
Okay, you show them what you got, Roscoe.
Yeah, Roscoe.
You know, I can't believe you.
Just once, I would like to see you do something
to help your family.
That's my girl!
Yay! All right!
Yes! Yay!
Uhh...
[CHEERING]
Al, he got a spare.
We're in our final frame
and we need 23 pins.
Twenty-three? No problem.
Ready.
Stee-rike!
[CHEERING]
Oh, Al, Al! Can you do it again?
That's all I ever hear from you.
For my next ball,
I'd like a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
I'll even make potatoes.
Stee-rike!
PEGGY: Yeah! Yes! Yes! You did it!
We need three pins to win.
Three pins! Oh!
You have the sex drive of a stone,
but I love you.
Three pins!
Let's see, which one should I get?
The 1-2-3, the 3-4-5,
or the ever-tricky 1-7-9?
Just bowl, you moron.
Okay, kids, get out the cameras.
History is about to be made.
Stee--
Next.
I don't know what happened, Peg.
The ball must have slipped.
Somebody must have tampered with my thumb warmer.
But I still bowled a 175, Peg.
Good, Al.
No, I mean it, Peg. I'm upset about this.
You know how much this thing cost?
Are you going to be much longer, Peg?
The kids are getting hungry.
Just go home, Al.
You sure you'll be okay?
Get the hell away from me, okay?
Say good night to your mother, kids.
Goodbye, Mom.
Bye, Mom.
Come on.
I can't walk out on her like this.
[***]